Got kids?
Here are few truths:
Children wants their Parents to take charge. Does not matter if you are a young Parent or an elder Parent. Say it softly at first, but don’t mince words, say what you need to say in the spirit of growth – theirs, love for their success and attention to acceptance.
Mincing words is just annoying, really to anyone but especially to your children – of any age.
Keep the Family relationship priorities intact and clear:
You and your Partner
Your children
Extended family
Friends or Friends and the Extended Family – depending on how Extended Family is working out
You think one or more of your children is struggling with something. Likely you know or have a clue as to what they may be tackling or grappling with. Incorporate your conversation on the possible subject as part of every day conversation. Few things are worse for just about everyone then the well used – ‘We have to talk’ – or any variation therein.
Other, shut the door on discussion starters are:
‘Honey you seem worried’
‘Is there anything wrong’
‘Is there something you want to talk about’
‘How is everything going’
Uggg on all of the above
Here is a starter that will work or at least keep the emotional barometer to a lower point and allow for entry and chatting:
You know your child – you know when there are changes in patterns – you know their routine and as the Parent with a good amount of life experience, you probably have a really good idea of what might be going on. You’re with your child, you see how they interact, you see their interests and you follow them like a hawk, because that is your job and you take it seriously.
But when it comes to tackling stuff, you are diminished to feeling intimidated, scared and unsure. All very natural feelings – no one wants to deal with stuff and/or be dismissed by their child because of ‘interference’.
But here’s what you need to hold on to – your child, facing a challenge, has no where the well of experiences and knowledge you have developed. They have so much less life experience, otherwise they would have tackled the issue and moved on. They want to know what their options are and they want your guidance. Resistance talking to you is not a matter of disinterest, it is a matter of embarrassment, so don’t make it embarrassing, don’t make it a ‘deal’. Check out ‘Being a listener’ on my Blog. That will give you a few tips.
Explore:
- what happened
- how it impacted them
- the options or strategies they can consider, going forward
What is more natural than that? What is not so natural is the approach and the ‘let’s get the discussion started’ part.
First, as a Parent or as a friend for that matter, this is not about you. Do not importantize yourself to the point you are an intimidation to your child’s right to go to you or inhibit much needed experience, love and guidance.
Let’s go back just a bit. Back in the day, families spent communication time together, at the dinner table, in the backyard over a BBQ, picnics, driving to spots, definitely more time with less distractions than now. So where is your family? If you are just starting out with a young family then my biggest suggestion is you get back to basics.
It does not require you ban all forms of current technology – this is not a pendulum swing, it is a BALANCE and it is PRIORITIES. Root your child. Family first. At the dinner table is where talk starts and is initiated.
Dinner tables should be time to build safety, joy and celebration. From there you create entry or an opening to growth and managing life experiences.
At the table or gathering, everyone gets a chance and everyone should share the stories of the day. Parents should ask questions then.
It sounds like this:
Dinner tables are for creating a safe area so not so much a gathering place to air grievances, but definitely a place to check the daily goings on with the children. Appoint one of the children to start the conversation once in a while. Make sure they are interested in each other and you. You should expect your child to ask about you once in a while.
Your child has to see you first as Parent of course, but also as human. Children model, so when they ask about you and you encourage that, you know they are growing and expanding past their own view inside their lives and see other individuals.
Go around the table, everyone – INCLUDING the PARENTS – talk about their day. No child wants to feel they are more important than their Parents because they are not. In fact, change it up on who starts first but over 50% of the time, Parents start first with their day. It is not just fascinating for a child to listen and learn first hand on the success and challenges of their Parents, it is vital to teaching your child skills of listening, separating themselves from how others act, so they know best how to ‘respond’.
You want them to feel important, then include them in your stories. Of course don’t overwhelm them or ask them for problem solving tips but let them watch you celebrate and let them watch you explain how you handled a situation they could understand. Show them you ponder, consider options and try to pick the best one for the situation at hand.
Checking the barometer and revealing small parts of your challenges, teaches them insight, allows them to approach you or you approach them.
Telling stories and small incidents at the Dinner table or gatherings, builds conversation. Watching how you express your feelings and manage day to day encounters, makes discussion more natural and normal. Who does not want that? A normal, natural confab …. allowing children to explain, explore and decide on options to manage smaller encounters, will make it much easier for them.
Let your children know you are indeed in the equation and you take their growth seriously and it is your responsibility to get involved and teach them how to identify their feelings and what healthy options they have to respond to something that occurred.
What happened?
Who was involved?
What was the child’s perception and feelings?
Let them express, that is the only way you will get insight into what is important, what was important about the encounter, what values your child is developing and how to help them either build on that or offer and discuss healthier options.
Let them tell you when they have had enough of the discussion. It does not mean them have had enough of you, it generally means they have enough information and that needs to percolate for a while. Set up a time for a recheck or wait for a day or a few days and check on the progress. It is important your child knows you are doing your job and take your responsibility to their good growth and peace of mind, seriously. Respond respectfully but let them know you are the Parent and it’s your job to make sure they have the tools to meet life’s challenges.
Let the child talk. Listen for good strategies your child uses or used – reinforce that and add to them.
Get them to tell you what they believe their options are to respond. They start, you don’t. You do not know what skills your child has or is developing unless they tell you. People do NOT learn by lecture alone. Your child will tell you what they know, what they have learned and what options they are considering, when you ask.
Asking first, tells the child you have confidence in their development and trust in their judgement. It is then that you interject with additional options, if necessary.
Talk about options to handle situations. If they are upset, let them get upset because that is very normal and very healthy. Don’t be afraid of your child’s emotions, do not judge, do not distract. Depending on the circumstances, consider this, ‘Sounds like this was pretty hurtful’, ‘Sounds like you were frustrated and didn’t know how to reacte’, words that sound like you are either attempting to understand or actually do understand. You are the Parent, this is your job, you are going to do it well or not so well. It is not neutral.
You also want to try and close conversations on an encouraging or positive note. Your closing remarks should sound encouraging, not appeasing.
Encouraging sounds like this: ‘Listen, you made some good choices’ or ‘Listen, I can see you really thought this out but some of the options did not work. This may or may not resolve itself right away but we’ll revisit it in a few days or earlier if need be’.
Or
‘You thought this through, it worked out, that’s so amazing’ or ‘You thought this threw, it may not have worked out this time. I am so proud of your honesty and courage.’
Appeasement sound like this: Patting your child on the back and saying ‘you’ll do better next time’ or ‘good job’ when such was not the case.
Here is the other important part of connecting with your child on ‘issues’. We have all been there, they are not alone. How does this sounds: ‘Listen, this is an issue for a lot of children or people. It’s not fun but you’re not alone in dealing with it’. ‘We and you find options that are successful and make you feel like you did your best’.
Your goal is to build awareness in your child. Help them analysis and strategize and consider options to respond, respond Not react.
Your child feels safe to mention and explore options, managing life experiences.
You look like the leader, not the care taker and you forage the path because you are the Leader. Children learn by modeling. Don’t be scared and your child will follow. Or Be scared, try not to show it, if you must then at least put in an addendum that says -‘ I’m the Parent, sometimes having to listen to your pain is really tough but it’s my job and so let’s go’. Anything close to the honest truth will work.
In fact, your child will open up like a running river and you’ll likely find yourself saying this: ‘Honey, love ya’, know it’s my job to listen and be attentive and inspire a healthy happy kid but sometimes I do my job too well … I am inspiring quite the talker … giggle, giggle … If this is not an immediate circumstance, Parent would love to listen and can we do that later today …’ Offer a timing that better suits you. That’s not denigrating, it’s the truth. Setting boundaries is about setting boundaries and instilling love. As long as your child knows you love them, you accept them and you are expecting the best from them, they’ll deliver to the best of their ability at the developmental stage they’re at.
Besides the Parenting to develop good options and growth, comes the proactive steps every Parent wants to take to halt:
Smoking:
Generally the smoking pressure from peers is going to start earlier than you think or let’s face it, want to believe. Here’s an approach: ‘Who was pressured with a cigarette today or at least introduced to a cigarette’? Don’t smoke – what’s in it for you? or Who’s tried a cigarette or watch one of their friends smoke? Don’t follow – what now? How do you think the best option for you is? Cause smoking is not one them.
Drinking:
Change smoking to drinking.
Sex:
Start young – start general, in a group situation but present the general conversation. Respect is boundaries – Remember this and tell every daughter you have: ‘A young man’s morals are largely and generally dictated by the moral boundaries of the young girl they are with’ Girls set the boundaries, not guys largely and your daughter should know that. She takes the bull by the horns here, nothing less. Give her the tools to stay in control and ask questions because that’s your job.
School performance:
Who’s struggling at school? Who’s not pleased with their performance level and feels they need to do better?
Those are direct questions – Said with the intention to help and assist, you will get a response. But most important, it shows leadership and it shows you are keeping growth and life lessons as part of normal growth and not big a deal approach. Keep it normal and as contained as you can.
As long as your child knows you are direct, not trying to please them, not making them more important than you, not afraid of their response because you are afraid they won’t like you or afraid you are afraid to admit when you do not have the answer and are willing to assist looking, you’ll do just fine.
If you are using the excuse, they will tell me when they want to, you are the one that’s scared. And they sense your fear and they will act in turn. If your child has the courage or you initiate that courage, they will come to you.
Step up, with love, with options and with expectations your child can and will achieve a goal of success with what ever.
Here is another matter that needs to be visited:
To be gay or not to be gay.
Don’t make your child be the one to have to take the step to ‘come out of the closet’ or any other root cellar. Don’t do it. You are the Parent, you accept your child is moving through life like you are and you do your job of being first to make it safe to talk and find options.
If you think your child is gay, bring them shopping and pick out a toy or doll or something that tells them you are listening and they are experiencing normal feelings and development for them. Preferences are nothing more than hormonal pool we dipped into. Keep it that simple. If there is a dance upcoming or an event and your son or daughter wishes to bring their love interest, show up with the love interest. There is no stage to be set. There is no announcement to be made. Normal is Normal. Show up as the healthy normal person you are and your child is. ‘This is my son and this is his boyfriend. So and so is a great guy, they met playing soccer … or what ever the occasion.’
Just do not make your child be the one to have to take the step to ‘come out’.
Talk about achievements, accomplishments, finding out who does what
Encourage and Inspire growth
Be a Modern Family Cam – Be a Celebrator
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