So you needed a listening ear and you got a ‘solution’ instead

So you had an incident occur, a situation.  It doesn’t have to be a big deal, it just has to qualify as a deal, to you.  You want to talk about it, tell someone how it made you feel, how it impacted you and figure out what, if anything, you want to do about it.  Those are the steps all of us, women and men, take when we are working through an ‘issue.’

And you call your wife, your husband, your friend, Mom or Dad, brother or sister, and you want to talk and you want to explain what either just happened or what happened earlier in the day and you are wondering what, if anything, you should do.  But in order to get to the resolution, solution, end game, you have to go through the:

‘What happened’

‘How it made you feel’

‘Whether it was or is ultimately important to do something about or let it go’

And on all of that, you start setting the scene, explaining the interaction, what happened, who said what and why and with all of your Heart felt outpouring of emotional investment, you get this:

‘Well just do this or do that.’ ‘Don’t use their services anymore’ ‘Don’t put yourself in that situation anymore.’  You get a ‘Solution’, not a ‘Process’ and how disappointed are you?

At first you may not even realize you have just actually been abated by someone, inadvertently or not,  has told you they are not interested or willing to listen and understand and/or help you explore your feelings and your OWN solutions or end game.  That person you hoped would actually listen, may not even realize they have just dismissed your right to solve your own stuff.  They might think they are actually helping you out by ‘avoiding the whole emotional part of the encounter’ and get right to the solution itself.  Well, they are wrong and if you are yourself guilty of such behaviour, this is for you as well:

     💘 Be an ACTIVE LISTENER:  Seek to UNDERSTAND what happened and the emotions 💘

Let’s get started:

1.  When someone has an issue, it is theirs and their right to solve their stuff themselves.  That is how all of us learn to problem solve, take a healthy perspective of relationships and life and learn to trust and learn to be somewhat vulnerable in order to go through the process of learning to find options and solutions and explore experiences so we can be master of our own journey … so to speak

2.  When someone, generally a partner or friend or parent or sibling, comes to you and asks for your listening ear, that is a PRIVILEGE, period.  They are telling you they trust you with the naked part of their emotional soul.  Let’s be clear here, exposing your emotions is no different than running around partially clothed.  You are exposed and being exposed emotionally can be far more vulnerable than being exposed scantly clad.  So the next time someone asks you to listen to something that happened to them in a day, listen!  If it is a big deal and you don’t have the time at that moment, let the person know, clearly let the person know and set up a time when you are available and not like ‘next month’.  If you have the time, the love, the care, then you take these steps:

i) You let the person tell their story without a lot of interruptions from you

ii) You take the position that you are there to listen, understand how the situation unfolded, how it made the person feel and how they might want to resolve it.  Notice I said ‘resolve’ not ‘solve’.  Resolving a situation is process.  You are there to act as a listener in order for the person who you are listening to, is best able to resolve and act.

iii)  Listen to how the person is expressing their emotional reaction to what ever happened.  Express back to the person what you understood or understand their emotional reaction to it.

So, for example there is the ‘What happened’ in the situation and the ‘How it made you feel’ part of the situation.  Words like: ‘So this happened and it sounds like you felt betrayed by what happened or you felt … (there are a range of emotions people can and do feel, one of them will describe or better yet, if you are unsure, ASK!  ‘How did that make you feel”

iv)  Ensuring you understand what happened and how it made the person feel, is the foundation of active listening and ensuring the person feels accepted, not judged.  Everyday we all inadvertently judge and are judgmental and we MUST become aware of when we are behaving in such a fashion, because it is wrong and causes unnecessary pain to the other person who is simply trying to tell you what and how something made them feel.

AVOID SOLUTIONS AND START LISTENING WITH THE INTENTION TO FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENED AND HOW THE PERSON WAS EMOTIONALLY IMPACTED.

v) If you interrupt or guess or tell someone how they felt, yeeeesh, you are doing it all wrong and you have just explicitly advised your friend that you are not to be trusted with their emotions and vulnerability and that would be so unfortunate because you may have had every intention to listen and support and help out.  BUT this did not happen to you and you have accepted the opportunity to offer a listening ear and with that comes responsibility.  You wouldn’t body shame someone SO don’t emotion shame by not listening as you should

THAT brings me to the Resolution stage:

So you have listened, you understand what happened, you think you know how it impacted the person emotionally because they have told you how they felt and you confirmed it with them by saying: ‘And this is how it made you feel.’  Now comes, the what are you going to do about it:

i) LET the person take the first step, NOT you.  ‘So how do you think you might want to handle that?’  should be your next question.  From there you have established enough trust and safety that the person will explore their options and come to a resolution themselves because after all, their resolution will fit their situation and how this difficulty impacted them or not.  Just the simple act of KINDNESS of listening and understanding allows them just such a moment of buoyancy and elation, the feel of being understood is a gift, give it.

And on that if you don’t like how the person might be resolving or looking at options, then and only then, they will trust you to offer your own perspective, then and ONLY then, after they have told the story, told you how they felt, you accepted how they felt, you DID NOT judge or jump to ‘solve’ and now you get your say or input because you have been totally AWESOME and given the most amazing gift of listening actively and understanding and accepting and your input is now and will be and should be valued.  If it is not, that is a story for a different day, don’t get used or taken advantage of.

Active listening is sharing:  Offer the Gift and the Gift needs to be also offered to you!

Listen to Understand the story, the Person’s Emotional response or reaction, How it made them feel, Listen for their resolution or ask them them how they might do about it, then AND only then can you offer input or offer your support on how they might look at options to resolve their own stuff.

Listening is a much needed gift and the ability to give that gift the way our friends and loved ones deserves, has an incredible impact on their sense of well being, of feeling important as they should and relief of being understood and accepted.

And when it is your stuff, expect to be offered the same back and treated to the same GIFT of Actively Listening

Thank your friend for selflessly listening and actively caring so you can get on with the next step of making a thoughtful, healthy choice to remedy and resolve or continue to ponder your options till you do come up with the resolution you feel is best